


collapsing stars

by yzsho



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: :), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Worlds 2019, obviously, unbetaed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-23
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-11-28 18:06:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18211748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yzsho/pseuds/yzsho
Summary: He sees Yuzuru call for him, all alone holding their country's flag. Just another person he's disappointed.





	collapsing stars

Shoma watches the victory ceremony. Of course he does.

It's hard because he keeps imagining himself there. Imagines the things he could have done differently. And yet he's already rewatched his program far too many times, recounted every step and mistake and his only takeaway is that he wasn't _good enough._ There's no excuse for the falls or the flat expression. No blaming injury or the ice or the jetlag, because this is _home,_ this is a country he knows believes in him too much and he's only disappointed them time and time again.

He watches Yuzuru and knows the carefully disguised disappointment, knows that he'll keep smiling anyway. He watches Nathan and the open pride and humble compliments. He watches Vincent and feels a sick surge of jealousy.

As if he deserves to feel jealous anyway.

 _Blame the judges,_ some people say, though never to his face. All the people who say who did or didn't deserve it, who can claim with full confidence that Shoma should have been on that podium. He wishes he believed them.

But he looks at the podium, and every thought of himself there instead just feels _wrong._

(He sees Yuzuru call for him, all alone holding their country's flag. Just another person he's disappointed.)

* * *

"I wish," Yuzuru says, hours later. They're lying in bed, buried under the covers. "I wish you'd been on that podium with me."

It's said like a confession, one that's been itching at the back of his mind since the thought first passed. His hand in Shoma's feels heavy.

"Me too." Shoma chokes out, if only to stop himself from crying. Because maybe he's reading too much into it but it's not _you should have been there._ It's not _you could have._ It's _I wish._ Shoma wishes, too.

Yuzuru must see the look that shadows Shoma's expression, because he shifts slightly, eyes glimmering in the dim hotel room lights, hand moving to cup his cheek.

"I honestly thought you would have." he continues, his words hitting like a slap to the face. But there's no harshness or disappointment to his words and Shoma doesn't quite know what to think. "I saw you fall- I saw you struggling and I still thought-" Yuzuru sighs, cuts himself off. "It's. Weird. Up until you got that score I was still thinking- _oh, he can medal. He's got it."_ and Shoma thinks _oh,_ because he'd lost hope the moment he'd fallen that first time in the short. "And you got that score and- honestly?"

Yuzuru laughs, a frail, shaky thing, and says, "I thought, that's too low. I thought- I _knew-_ you should have been first. I know you should've been up there with me."

It's an admission, one Shoma can hardly take lightly. Because for all his big words and promises, Yuzuru is often too kind to voice his bitterness the way he truly feels it. And maybe it's bad that this alone means more than the words of the press and the fans do, that this is the thing that makes Shoma think again. 

And of course he's still not really fully convinced he should have been on the podium, but it's _Yuzuru._

"Oh." is all Shoma says, is all he can really think. Something shifts in Yuzuru's expression.

"You said you felt embarrassed." he starts, words all breathless like they always are when he starts rambling like this. "that you were disappointed in yourself, that you didn't even deserve to compete at the top. And I just." he tightens his grip on Shoma's hand, just slightly. "you know how many times I've been scared you'd beat me? How many times you _almost_ did?"

"Almost," Shoma echoes weakly. 

"Not many people come that close." Yuzuru retorts. "And- god, you don't even have to compare it to me, that was actually kind of egotistic actually but-" he lets out another short, awkward laugh. "You're amazing, Shoma. Do you know what your podium streak was?" the _was_ kind of stings, but Yuzuru means well.

"Um," Shoma tries to count. He wonders if Yuzuru has. "Like.. five?"

"Twenty-three!" Yuzuru replies, half-giddy. "Twenty-three _consecutive_ times you've been on the podium. International and domestic. That's not weak or disappointing or _whatever-_ it's amazing." Yuzuru's pride is weirdly infectious, and Shoma finds himself smiling just a bit. "And you just won Nationals _and_ Four Continents."

"..I guess I did." Shoma admits, finally meeting his gaze and immediately having to resist the urge to break out in a grin.

"Exactly!" Yuzuru flashes him one of those dazzling smiles before pressing a quick kiss to his cheek.

"Now," Shoma says, face feeling an awful lot warmer all of a sudden. "can you stop fanboying over me and unpause the movie? I was kind of enjoying that."

"Oh. Um." it's a little satisfying to see the way Yuzuru grins crookedly and fumbles with the remote. "Yeah! Let's do that."

Shoma can settle for this for now.

 

**Author's Note:**

> they were definitely watching shrek 2 the best film of all time


End file.
